Saint Ignatius Loyola’s famous words ‘‘give me the children until they are seven’’ suggests that the 16th century founder of the Jesuit religious order was convinced that the key features of a personality were formed by that age.
But Seaford psychologist and family therapist Lyn Benson challenges the ‘until they are seven’ assumption.
During a series of workshops, she teaches parents with children of any age how to employ the Buddhist principle of mindfulness to achieve self-assurance and success.
‘‘Mindfulness is about being in touch with present moment awareness. It’s a little bit like meditation but you can do it in everyday activities,’’ Ms Benson said.
‘‘Many of today’s parents grew up in a household where confl ict was never resolved, where arguments were settled by someone backing down or silence.
‘‘Therefore we may not have developed the appropriate skills to resolve disputes in a functional and helpful way.’’
Ms Benson said mindful parents were more consistent and raised children who found it easier to relate to others.
‘‘If you are always second-guessing your decisions in your parenting, your parenting is not going to be consistent.
‘‘If children grow up in a home where parents are more predictable then they grow up with a secure sense of themselves.’’
The mindfulness principle was particularly relevant in modern parenting as many parents were juggling multiple demands without the traditional support of the extended family, she said.
‘‘It is now the norm for mothers to work away from the home, and there are an increasing number of single-parent families.
‘‘These factors can add great stress and distress to the couple relationship and the family as a whole.
‘‘The pressures of being a parent these days are just so different. We also don’t have the extended family support that was around when I was growing up — grandparents might also be working full-time.
‘‘Parents are just so busy and caught up with the things that they have to do. It’s not that they’re being bad parents. It’s about learning to focus on ‘what is’ instead of ‘what if’.’’
Best-selling author and parenting educator Michael Grose believes the primary objective of being a parent is to make yourself redundant by raising children who grow into self-sufficient adults. Mr Grose, who penned Why First-Borns Rule the World and Last-Borns Want to
Change It, says that thriving or authoritative parenting — which encompasses firmness, encouragement and setting boundaries — is the most effective parenting style.
The dynamic of the modern family is very different to the family experience of even the recent past, when everyone contributed and had a role to play, he said from his Balnarring office.
‘‘Raise your small family with a big-family mindset. Be fi rm and don’t rescue them, allow them to experience disappointment and hurt — children are very resourceful.’’
Mr Grose also advocates ‘talking homes’ — where parents discuss their positions on big issues in advance and speak openly to both young children and teenagers — as an excellent environment to raise children with the aim of developing well-rounded personalities.
He warned that dads needed to involve themselves early in parenting as, after birth, much of the focus on parenting newborns surrounds the child’s bond with their mother.
‘‘The earlier that dads get involved the more likely they are to stay involved.’’ And while Mr Grose considers many
parents are too ‘soft’ on their children and a greater focus on teaching was important, he argues that author Amy Chua’s highly regimented ‘Tiger Mom’ style was ‘‘robbing kids of nurturing parents’’.
There’s little debate that a child’s physical activity, environment and diet directly impact every aspect of their development. Armed with this knowledge, a subculture of parents are striving to provide their children
with a childhood close to the earth.
Jo Schutt, a Langwarrin naturopath and mother of two, has created the Jellyfish Connection website and holds workshops to pass on natural-parenting advice.
The website includes contributions from experts on issues such as sleeping, behaviour management and breast-feeding. ‘‘The focus is on additive-free wholesome food, natural therapies, sustainability and health,’’ she said.
At home, Ms Schutt encourages her children to be physically active by getting them to do enjoyable activities such as helping out in the vegetable patch.
‘‘It’s a good physical outlet for behaviour because it lets them blow off steam. ‘‘We give the kids supplements every day, use herbs and homoeopathic remedies when
they are unwell — which is not very often — and none of our cleaning products or skin care contain chemicals.’’
In her workshops, Ms Schutt teaches parents how to look out for additives in foods found in the supermarket.
Additives can cause ‘‘hyperactivity, stomach upsets and can build up over time. You should see the look on people’s faces because they don’t know what they’re feeding their kids.’’
While some parents worry about how external environmental factors will affect their children, others are trying to learn the basic skills required to get by.
Speech pathologist Heidi McCormack is one of five women from Frankston and the Mornington Peninsula who have contributed their years of experience working with local families to a business, Effective Parenting,
which provides tailored support for parents.
Effective Parenting consultants are mothers who are qualifi ed in early childhood, social or welfare work, or mothercraft nursing.
‘‘We had all noticed that people were struggling with knowing how to be parents,’’ Ms McCormack said.
‘‘It is hard for parents to sift through the never-ending supply of information. The business grew out of this feeling it could be done better — there wasn’t a lot of
services available through the government and
council when we started out.”
Ms McCormack said that as well as providing parents with physical support, advice on sleeping patterns and information about adolescence, Effective Parenting
consultants could enlighten them about the motivations and behaviour of ‘‘clever little people’’.
‘‘It all comes down to communication and working out the reasons for the behaviour. There are no set guidelines, every family has different needs.’’
To register for Mindfulness Parenting workshops, call Lyn Benson on 0417 114 520.
For more information about the other experts visit parentingideas.com.au; jellyfishconnection.com and effectiveparenting.net.au
http://www.frankstonweekly.com.au/news/local/news/general/parenting-pointers-raising-happy-kids/2222276.aspx?storypage=3
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