Toddlers & preschool age children who have previously been perfect angels at bedtime can sometimes become ‘difficult’ when they are old enough to use stall tactics or manipulation to get out of going to bed, telling you they need to go to the toilet, need a drink or are hungry. Some start to get out of bed during the night and require attention from their sleeping parents. Here's some helpful information that might help you through this tiring challenge!

Prevention is better than cure!

Teaching your child positive bedtime habits from early on is the best way to prevent bedtime from becoming difficult, but if your toddler has always been, or has recently become a challenge at bedtime it’s never too late to make some positive changes

First a pep talk! – Decide what it is you want from your child

• No matter how convincing children are when it comes to staying up later and no matter how “not tired” they seem, getting enough sleep is important for your child’s growth and development
• You know what is best for your child, you are in charge and you make the rules so you decide what is acceptable bedtime behaviour for your child
• Once you decide what the rules are (obviously they need to be realistic, respectful towards your child and suit your family dynamics) you must be very clear when communicating them to your child. It is not fair to ask for change if they are not aware what is expected of them
• It’s best to explain the new rules prior to them being enforced, for example when you’re playing during the day or driving home from the shops or school
• Approach your bedtime routine with confidence and consistency. A child can sense if you are unsure of yourself
• Children need limits and boundaries in all areas of their lives, not just bedtime. Rules and limits allow children to feel secure and generally have more respect for parents who are firm but fair & fun!
• Both parents or care givers must be on the same page and enforce the same rules, a child playing one parent off against the other will always win and behaviours will not change

Where to start - Decide what time would you like you child in bed

A bedtime routine (consisting of rituals that occure in the same or similar order) is important for toddlers to help them recognise what is coming next. Once you know what time they’ll be in bed you can work back from there, allowing approximately 10-15 minutes for a story, 30 minutes of a bath, 30 minutes for dinner. So your bedtime routine may look something like this;

Example One                                                Example Two

6:00pm dinner                                               5:30pm dinner

6:30pm bath & pyjamas                              6:00pm bath & pyjamas                                 

7:00pm bedtime story                                  6:20pm quite play/song time with Dad

7:15pm milk                                                   6:35pm bedtime story & milk

7:20pm clean teeth                                       6:50pm clean teeth    

7:25pm bed, kisses & cuddles                  7:00pm bed & asleep

7:30pm leave the room

7:35pm asleep

So you may not want to be watching the clock to be this regimented and your routine and bedtime will be different depending on many different aspects of your family life, but it gives you an idea of how a bedtime routine should begin an hour or more before bedtime. You are letting your child know that bedtime is approaching by using cues, providing consistency & security as you go along.

Throughout your bedtime routine

• Look for signs of overtiredness, if you expect cooperation from a child who is too tired you’re not likely to get the results you are after. If this is the case you can start your routine 30 minutes earlier
• Show your child you are excited (or at least happy!) about their new bedtime routine, it will help them embrace it if you approach it with a positive attitude. Make the routine enjoyable for both of you
• If your child tries to stall by asking for more stories or wanting to play in the bath longer give them a set number of stories before you start (you decide how many is suitable), tell them one/two more minutes and then the bath is over (setting an egg timer might help until your child has a concept of time) and stick to your rules
• Your child will most likely resist in the beginning, if you expect this you are able to prepare for it with distractions
• Some children love challenges and learning new skills so having them be involved in getting themselves dressed or putting their own toothpaste on the toothbrush can make a tiresome chore a whole lot more fun
• Ensure you have backup from your partner or older family members
• The situation could get worse before it gets better. If your child begins to protest stay calm and confidently remind them of the changes

Although it can be a difficult time, think of this as special time you are spending with your toddler and use it as an opportunity to put some family rituals in place. A ritual is something that you perform daily or at least regularly and can become part of your bedtime routine or any other part of your day.

When putting your child to bed - you are teaching them positive sleep habits they will benefit from for the rest of their lives

There are different schools of thought on this topic and both are equally compelling in their argument. For example Tizzie Hall & Raising Children Network both recommend you put your child to bed and not stay with them as they will quickly come to rely on your presence and not be able to fall asleep without you there. Pinky McKay on the other hand has observed that babies and toddlers who are parented to sleep are more likely to view sleep and bedtime as a positive thing and enjoy bedtime. Her methods still have the same aim of independant sleepers but with a more comforting approach.  

Rather than recommend one method, here are several different options. The one you try will depend on you and your child. The important thing is to be consistent and try ONE method for five or six nights before giving up and changing your approach, unless of course your toddler is clearly distressed.

• You don't need to stay with your child until they are asleep unless they are having difficulty or are distressed if you leave
• If your child asks you to stay, lie with you or read another story, gently but firmly let them know you are leaving because its time for them to go to sleep
• If getting them in bed is the difficult part but they are able to fall asleep on their own, say your good nights and leave the room
• If your child calls out but is not distressed return to them briefly but don't enter into a conversation, explain that it’s sleep time and leave the room again
• If you child then becomes upset one option is to stay close enough to make sure they’re not becoming emotional or distressed but they should not know you are there or they’re likely to do or say whatever it takes to get you to return to their side, they can be cute but manipulative!!
• If they are distressed when you leave you can let them know you are just going out of the room for a minute (to the lounge or kitchen to do.........) and you'll come back in one minute. When you return you may be pleasantly surprised to see they are asleep or at least close to it. If so, a simple kiss on the cheek and final goodnight would probably be fine, if not stay with them for a few minutes and tell them you are going to the do "something" again and you'll be back in two or three minutes. Each time you are leaving the room for longer periods but giving them the security of knowing you are coming back. This might be enough for some toddlers to fall asleep and the time it takes should gradually reduce each night
• You might choose to sit on a chair quietly in their room or by the door until they're asleep, moving further away each night - this method can take quite a long time though as you're prolonging the independance you're trying to encourage in your child
• If your child gets out of his bed take them straight back and return them to bed, again explaining that it’s time to sleep but without negotiation or conversation. Limit the attention you give your child at this point as this might be just what they are looking for. Be consistent and return them to bed as many times as it takes until they stay. Kids are persistent but you can be more so and they will soon get the message that you mean business

Positive change deserves reward

• If your child goes to bed without protest and/or stays in bed as you leave the room let them know you are very pleased with them and proud of them for doing so. The immediate praise will allow them to go to sleep feeling great about themselves and their new bedtime routine 
• If your child responds well then also give them praise in the morning, tell them they did a fantastic job of staying in bed and going to sleep last night. You may want to use a chart, giving them a sticker each morning after a good night sleep

Change may take a few weeks to take effect but generally most children respond very well and may even go to bed without protest within a few nights.  If it does take time it can be very draining and tiring but stick with it, you are doing what's best for your child and you will reap the rewards in the long run.