Thanks to Carole from Easier Parenting for this insightful parenting article. We all WANT to promote emotional health and wellbeing in our children, but in the hectic day to day struggles it can sometimes be a little difficult. Carole offers excellent practical advice to help us understand our kids and our own behaviours a little better......

Children that are handled in positive, respectful ways are likely to want to behave well, and will more likely become good, well-adjusted citizens. It is preferable for parents to become very familiar with their own style of relating, verbally and non-verbally, and to improve their own skills of positivity......

Honing in on acceptable behaviour

If we can be more positive with our children and ourselves, we will move closer to a more satisfying relationship. Noticing good behaviour and commenting on it, is far more effective than trying to correct inappropriate behaviour......

By encouraging our children, we will see them grow in confidence and self-esteem, and they will be motivated to behave in an acceptable way.

This involves noticing the specific behaviour, which is appropriate, and commenting on it in a sincere and warm manner. "Jamie, you waited very patiently for your sister to put on her shoes. Thanks." "You are really enjoying squeezing the play dough with your fingers, aren’t you, Sarah?" "Good effort, Doug. You are trying really hard to solve that equation." "Mary you did all the buttons up by yourself. Well done."

We can really build our kids up and make our and their lives, much easier and more enjoyable, if we can encourage effort, co-operation, progress and strengths.

When our children make a good attempt, or have a go at something, it is important for us to focus on that effort, and tell them. "Joe, I can see that you are trying really hard, to find the right piece to fit the puzzle. Good for you." "Mandy, you have made a great effort painting this plaster frog. You seem to be having fun."

Co-operation by our children needs to be noticed and commented on, in a positive way. Giving assistance, helping, supporting and teamwork, are all admirable qualities that we can foster in our children, by using encouragement. "John, I really appreciate you watering those plants for me. I didn’t even have to ask." "Thanks for setting the table so nicely, Michelle." "Thanks for putting the toys in the box, Jo. It looks much neater in here now."

Progress and development can be supported, so that the child feels worthy, even if she doesn’t achieve her, or our goals. Growth and advancement are often taken for granted by parents. "Greg, you have come a long way with your model car. You’ve glued 3 pieces together." "Jean, you’ve made the first part of your wooden box. Well done!" Encouraging improvement will boost your child’s self-assurance, and is well worth focusing on.

Parents generally notice children’s strengths and assets more readily than effort, progress and co-operation. It is more obvious. "Jordan, I can hear that you have much talent in drumming. Would you like a drum for your birthday?" or "Julie, your scrapbooking layout is beautiful. It’s balanced and the colours go really well together. "

Encouragement needs to be genuine, sincere and preferably specific to the action.

When our children are doing the right thing, it is good to comment straight away, and to tell them how we feel about it. "I feel really happy when I see you helping each other like that." Our children are then also more likely to repeat the desired behaviour. We are re-enforcing the positive.

We will also enjoy the added bonus of our children being encouraging with us, and describing their feelings.

Similarly, if we can encourage ourselves and other people in this way, we, and they, will reap the benefits.

Gentle reminders

The younger the child, the more need for regular reminders, as they tend to forget things that don’t have much personal meaning. Eg eating with mouths closed. However, there is a big difference between reminding and nagging. If you have asked a child to do something in a respectful way, and she does it, then let her know that you are pleased with her co-operation. Eg "Thanks for helping to put the books away, Sarah".

If a child doesn’t help, then we need to either ignore the lack of cooperation, or have some kind of consequence or non-material reward. If there is no help, we can still set a good example by doing the job ourselves, without mentioning the lack of co-operation. They then experience a lack of attention for negative behaviour. An example of a non-material reward could be playing a game, reading a book, putting on a cd or having some morning tea. Eg "Let’s pick up the books and then we can have a game of snap".

If we ask our children to do something too often, they tend to tune us out. Telling our children repeatedly, that they have to do something, doesn’t work too well. Changing our own behaviour and setting limits does. E.g. "The TV will be going off until the dishes are put away." Shouting regularly, and nagging, will lead to a child only taking us seriously, when we become angry. It is also very draining for parents and children!

A good way to find out if your child has selective hearing is to whisper that you have a lolly. They tend to hear what they want to hear!

If we ask in a calm, cheerful and positive way, where we are expecting the job to be done, we are more likely to gain co-operation.

It is not necessary to have a consequence for every act of non-compliance. We need to decide which actions need to be followed through on a consistent basis. Eg when a child is hurting someone or deliberately breaks an item. It is far more effective to concentrate on the behaviour that is acceptable, than pushing for compliance for every request.